Life’s Living Conversation

Riding my mobility scooter up the paved path, along the Ashokan Reservoir. Gorgeous here in the Mid Hudson Valley, with the Catskill Mountains encircling this body of water.  So many monarch butterflies fluttering in the breeze, over the water. Knowing that this is a nesting place for bald eagles, I am hoping to see a bald eagle, the totem animal that has meant the most to me in my dream life, and in my waking world. But not wanting to exercise expectation. And he comes. An adolescent, gracing my eyes and the skies with his presence. It is Yom Kippur, a fast day, the day of atonement, where we pray to be forgiven, to forgive, to forgive oneself which for me this year has been Paramount, and to be sealed in the “Book of Life.”

I lost my dog last Saturday, on Shabbes Tshuva. The holy Sabbath of our return to our essence, to the G-d presence.  Return again, return again, return to the light of your soul. So hard to let go of a beloved friend after 13 years. So loyal and protective, so smart and loving! I felt him slip away into the universe. From almost no determinable breath but still warm, to losing the warmth of life, and becoming cool to the touch. What an honor and a blessing to be able to have my hands on his body, in his fur, as he crossed the threshold.

So my grief has been deep, I am grateful for our new kittens in our lives who are helping me heal.

And yesterday was the autumnal equinox. Striving for balance. Reaffirming myself to the work I have yet to complete in this lifetime. No more fog of sadness and disability. Time to rally, time to write, time to work.

Although I always try to stay positive and optimistic, there are times that life is hard and unforgiving, and I forgive myself for feeling the strain of living. Remembering life is a great gift! And our challenges are chosen by us to overcome in this school called earth.

I converse with nature, as I have often said, life is a living conversation with a responsive universe!

Butterflies for transformation, as the Choctaw tradition teaches. They seem so delicate, but are strong enough to fly to Mexico from the US! I can learn so much from the butterfly!

No longer Just Caterpillar. She has blossomed from her Chrysalis.  Have I? I feel a transformation. Where once I was just Catapillar, and wrote a poem about it.  

Just Caterpillar

Forget about the one day transformation

The ability for emergence in flight

The nectar drinking, egg laying, flutter breezing freedom

You, in all your fuzzy potential

With nowhere to go

Crunching leaves, and crawling belly down

Are just Caterpillar

 

Now spread your wings and trust that the breeze will carry you in the right direction, where you need to go. Trust that even in your delicateness, you are sturdy enough to embark on this journey! That is a renewed faith. Always praying for healing for self and others, trusting the unfolding, and now recognizing that only I can do my work. Only you can do your work. Nobody is going to do it for me or you. As Rabbi Tarfon in the fourth century said, “The work is not for you to finish, but neither are you exempt from trying”.

And here is a great work that has been all encompassing in my life, as you may know, I have been struggling with multiple sclerosis for 22 years. My prayer is to heal completely, and my faith is strong! I am on a new medication called Ocrevice. It is an infusion that has potential to not only halt disease progression but possibly to alleviate symptoms as well. But my great hope of course is to reclaim lost functioning and I think through stem cell treatment that will be possible, but it  is a relatively new medical technology, and remains to be seen. Recently somebody asked me, if you stayed just where you are In your disability without further disease progression, could you live with that?

So it is making me take stock in where I am today. My walking is hampered. I often drag my right foot behind me because it is difficult to lift at the right knee, and also I have drop foot.  My equilibrium is off kilter. My right hand is quite compromised. But perhaps if it didn’t progress any further than this, I could live this way.., Though it would take greater acceptance of my handicap for me . So the answer to that question is yes, that would be a great blessing. Still I hold my deeper hope that I can hike again! Hiking for me was time to cry out to God, Hitbodedut, A term coined by Rabbi Nachman, the great grandson of the Bal Shem Tov, The founder of Chassidut. Hiking is my time to write poetry, and repeat it line for line as in the rhythm of my walking so that I remember the poem enabling me to recall it later as I transcribe it into the written word, and to share it as spoken word poetry. Taking stock in my work that I have yet to embark on. Glad to be writing, as always. Hope to go to open mic nights as I had done 25 years ago. And going to share ideas in a spoken forum in a new podcast called The Stream, with Dr. Carla Mazzeo. Stay tuned. Many good things to come. Now what will you do to further your journey? I look very forward to seeing!

To What End

I’m using voice text  and a bit of writing  typing really .  But hard on my fingers with dexterity  and seeing as this blog deals with the MS, it’s what I got to do.

The pain in my way. Funny I said the pain in my life. The pain in my right shoulder, at that was laying down my arm and up my neck and jaw period I can let it sour me, or I can let it strengthen me! Complain sometimes, even cry sometimes, and cope all the time.  Again, as in previous blog posts, the pain is shocking! It comes on suddenly, and often dissipates shortly. Mostly in my right shoulder, but also right side of head, neck, raying down my arm. My right foot is dragging. Right knee won’t lift up when I walk. My balance is compromised at best. The challenges of having MS, 20 years in! That is most of my adult life (I was diagnosed at 26).

One thing I’ve enjoyed most of my adult life, is smoking marijuana. How ironic, (but also, how lucky) that this is now a very important medicine for me. I am an advocate for whole plant use, and now I vape medicinally, instead of smoke recreationally. It dulls the pain I’m experiencing and is unparalleled in helping my leg stiffness and muscle spasticity.

My walking has gotten so trying, my legs are so weak. To climb into bed, or to get in the passenger side of the car, I have to loop my right arm around my leg to lift it up! If I descend to the floor, there is a good chance my legs will not be able to bare the weight of my whole body. And though I do still walk short distances, I have purchased a mobility scooter, which is giving me my freedom back! Now I can ride my electric scooter up the long driveway to the school bus stop, I can go up to my garden, which my housemate is generously caring for. And it has my Birdie Sanders sticker on the back of the battery, making me happy! My new wheels are stylin!

But back to where the connection isn’t having a clear course due to the MS. Walking is a struggle period balance is really off period right hand dexterity is off the table. Even Vision in my right eye is compromised. So a friend suggested I do three courses of action short-term which is immediate comma medium term which is the near future comma and long-term which is where I hope to down the road.

Short-term, solumdrol steroids. I had been a reluctant taker of steroids 3 years ago which was the first time in my now 20 years with multiple sclerosis that I decided to go that route. And then I did it intravenously period this time, I did it orally. The course is over now, as my body could not take it intestinal e. So only 3 days did I do this, but still hoping for any positive effects that may come from shocking my system so extremely.

My medium-term goal is a medication known by okra OCR Al. It is new the on the market, new the FDA approved for MS period and I’m hearing hopeful things about this medication. So this I will be starting in the near future.

And long-term, is my long hoped for yearned for prayed for stem cell trial period acceptance into the Tisch medical trial about stem cells. I will post a link. Dr. Sylvester is my doctor, and his office is conducting this study . That was not a coincidence 🙂

So this is life and this is right now I can barely get out of bed right now comma I just have to lie under the ceiling fan and hang out on my back porch. I’ll come back to edit later. Thanks for reading

 

Fire

At first there was the word. Speaking my words instead of writing them. It’s too hard for me to write with very little dexterity in my once dominant right hand. Now I write with my left hand cut with my left hand cut with scissors with my left hand eat with my left hand…

Not working much in my sound studio because I have a house guest, my housemate recently let-go at work, and my elder son is home before going to Israel to study the next five months.

I am in a place where my legs can scarcely hold up my body and when I descend onto the floor which can be often with seven-year-old kids and animals and the busyness of life, sometimes it is so hard to get up I can’t get up off the floor. Woe is me.

But the wood stove fire, I have such an incredible connection with! I have my hearth all set up with a small bench for me to sit on off of the floor, , matches, lighter, paper bags which I find the best firestarter, kindling dropped from the trees around the yard, And wood that’s been split and sized for my sweet little stove.

I have been heating with wood these past 27 years or so. It was the fire that first indicated I would be getting MS by burning the initials of the word in the wood. (My only life-changing information from fire-reading.)

The last 20 years, living with MS, have been a journey. Remissions to recurrences remissions to recurrences: Optic neuritis, double vision, vertigo, numbness, aching, itching, hot. The list goes on, to include losing my hearing in my right ear but on further study, we learned that I could hear tones it was human language that was unheard to me indecipherable to me. And then there’s the palsy, half my face has held a grimace- then I knew the MS was not only a personal struggle, but was evident to the wider world.

The past seven years, or so, The symptoms seem to have gotten progressively worse. Though my neurologist will not change my MS designation from RRMS, it seems apparent that that has changed into secondary progressive to me.

My struggle right now is movement, walking, using my right hand, weakness in my right arm drop foot and toes curling under making it very painful to walk. Really struggling. And pain. Electric shock, exclaimable shocking pain in my right shoulder, and then it passes. I use medical cannabis, but it merely make the pain more tolerable.

I had taken the past two months off at my gym which I’ve been a member of for four years now. It just got too hard to work out the machines are very tiring, elliptical was very tiring. I finally said fuck it and I left the gym but now I’m back although last week was my first week I went three times hope to go again this week, must build up my strength!

Feeling the need to push through right now, and feeling blessed. Waiting for a snowstorm to come tonight. The clouds are beginning to gather in what was the clear blue sky. Hard to even imagine the changes that are going to happen, now the wind is still. I’ve moved my wood pile, w/ the help of friends, up to the porch (partially covered). So flames can continue to warm us!

So this is new for me, speaking my journal entries, instead of writing them by hand, or more recently typing them out. But I find it a different process. For the thoughts to go from my mind to my mouth and to hear my words instead of just silently sharing them on the page is different it’s louder it’s Breath it’s in the world maybe more spirit if it’s breath I venture to say! One with really connect with one’s own thoughts in a different way.

Sitting in front of the fire. In relationship with the fire, through my breath, through a straw, as a bellows, in relationship with the flames. Year after year I work with fire. Connects me with the natural world.

Life is creaotic- creative/chaotic

Hot water streaming down my naked body, listening to trap reggae on my android phone loud. Reflecting on the time that time stood still breath had ceased not even through the nose I knew when I took that bite of taco that it was awfully large, but dripping with hot sauce, and not wanting to make a mess I ate it instead. And now I was choking there with no time, just silence silence my friend was chatting with her mother just feet away SOS I thought loud and flagged her down she got my message gave me the Heimlich maneuver– thank you Melanie! Nine days later, Henry Heimlich passed on. A great story is that though he invented the Heimlich maneuver to help un-clog the passageway of food, he had never used it before. But in his elder years living at a nursing home, A woman ate something and was choking on her food and he got to perform the Heimlich maneuver one time– his great contribution to life! Thank you Henry Judah Heimlich. For saving my life, and memorably, Pop pop Marvin’s life too! (Daddy was a hero after that!)

Breath!

Sitting on the earth in a circle of musicians
Mountains of colored clay crumble into sand

I am holding, and playing my clay ocarina
And the melody is haunting and familiar

Woman of clay and wind, creased and crumbling
A willing companion until the end of days

Another is remarking that my clay ocarina must feel honored
It’s been sitting on the altar all these years

By, Yiskah Koock

 

The Times they are-a changing

I am sitting on a bench, under a changing Autumn tree, waiting for my 6 yr old’s school bus. The shining yellow, oblong leaves are detaching from the branches and coasting down, riding the gentle morning breeze, all around me.

I am reminded of an old Jewish teaching: that just as every autumn leaf’s path down to the earth is directed by the very finger of God, so t00 is every human beings  action guided, by gods self! We are never alone nor unaccompanied.

This autumn has been lengthy and lovely, the trees are vibrant with color with light! It’s an honor to walk on the Earth!

I am driving in a car, up to Vermont. The views are spectacular. The season is peaking. Reds, Yellows, oranges, burgundies, and dark green. I am noticing that autumn has a different feel in Vermont then it does in New York State. And I am thinking that this is because there are so many conifer trees betwixt and between the changing deciduous trees that it really grounds the scene.

Home, I am walking under a deep blue sky, white moving clouds, briskly overhead. Post peak, the autumn leaves are still stunning! This lovely, long season. The changing leaves on trees beyond the trees. On purple mountains- observable, then sung.

Our ancestor Jacob places a stone beneath his head, and sleeps, and dreams that there is a stairway reaching from the earth to heaven, and angels are ascending and descending the stairway, with the presence of G-d at the very top.
He awakes with the words, Manora haMakom hazeh. How awesome is this place!

Well said! My feeling exactly. The earth is a precious home, our mother, a nurturer  and sustainer . Even in Hebrew, one of the words for God is El Shaddai, which could mean the mountains or  breasts.

And this is why I think it is so important for every single one of us to be environmental activists! There is a youth that I saw in a video who spoke truth when he said, ” if you drink the water and breathe the air and eat the food then you must get involved!” This is not a fringe cause any longer. This is about our human stewardship of our Home, our mother, this beautiful blue marble hurtling through space.   Because we all know, you can’t drink oil and you can’t eat money.

The earth needs us now to raise up our voices and to be protectors ( as the natives at standing rock call themselves ) in whatever way that we are, be it armchair activist, or those activists who place their bodies on the front line right now, standing up at Standing Rock in North Dakota! We must take care of the waters- the Mayim Chayyim, The living waters in Hebrew.

And this is honestly the most sacred protest that I have ever be held. I spent years in my life protesting nuclear weapons testing in Nevada working for Greenpeace working in the peace movement protesting, getting arrested etc. Now, I see we had still so much to learn about  nonviolent civil disobedience as the great Martin Luther King says we must do more than not shoot our enemies we must resolve not to hate them! It’s not us versus them, it is for all of us! And the mode for this protest? Prayer.

At this prophetic gathering, many First Nations people are standing together, shoulder to shoulder with all the peoples of the world who want to protect the world at least for the next seven generations!

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And just a quick shout out to Bob Dylan,  winning the Nobel prize in literature. Always been one of my favorite poets, and I’m so glad that your talent and your wisdom can be recognized now in your lifetime and not in Memorial. We owe so much to your Words and your wisdom. Migwich 🎆

 

Living in it

low-flying crow over my southbound car graying praying mantis steps across the threshold of my front door as  I open it from inside we find a perfect wild turkey feather just before the season open and a tiny tall magenta mushroom living under a wet Fallenleaf these are the days for bluejays in the compost pile quick moving clouds in the wind and half moon visible in the noontime sky its shadow autumn clarity slow reaching sun chiding squirrels and transitioning trees we are noticing  The earlier evening and we continue

by, Yiskah Koock

Breath

This MS pain is great I’m not complaining I’m just explaining. So great it can stop me in my tracks. At first I Bear Down grit my teeth and soldier my way through,  next I take it as a road sign to think about G-d to pray, to chant to/about the Shekkina.

Shiviti Shekkina l’negdi Tamid (I place the nurturing presence of G-d before me always!

Then I try to move it move it, move my arm, move my shoulder around, alleviate the pain. I try medical marijuana to dull the pain. I cry out to G-d in the heights of those moments- but weather the storm. Now the pain has moved from my shoulder and as I expressed in last post it’s also in my jaw and also on the right side of my heart chakra, and it seems to be traveling down my right arm…

And incredibly, the tool I’ve/we’ve been taught for many years: breathing deeply, taking deep breaths- in through the nose,  is what alleviates the pain and directly! Awesome that an action running through the body is what can sooth the symptoms from an auto immune disease. The body can heal as well as defy itself!

Reminding me that the healing remedy often time grows alongside the plant that causes discomfort. Next to poison ivy grows jewel weed! And plaintain in the clover fields alleviates the bees stings who are attracted to the clover flowers.

Yes, this is an intelligent universe!

The olfactory sense is what connects us straight to the soul, so the Jewish sages teach. And just as G-d formed the body out of clay, and breathed in through the nostrils the holy breath of life! The breath of G-d, our healing lives here-in!

Now we find ourselves in the Days of Awe, between the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana, and the day of atonement, Yom Kippor. This is the time for T’shuvah, T’fillah, and Tzedaka. Returning- to your soul, to your path, to yourself, to G-d. Prayer- crying out to the divine, and coming to reconciliation with others on the earth, and the earth herself. And charity- giving with a full heart.

We had an opportunity to cast our past year’s transgressions into flowing water to have it’s own mikvah of purification. Into the mayim chayim, the living waters during the Tashlique service.

When the prophet Isaiah instructs the people to atone for their sins, he says, seek G-d when G-d is close! And G-d is especially close on these 10 Days of Awe. So, my petition is thus, just as Moses cried out to G-d to heal his sister Miriam when she was struck ill, I too cry out for healing- for myself, for my loved ones, and for all who seek healing. Most of all, healing for the Earth, herself!

Ana Elna R’fanala~ R’fuah sh’layma!! (Body, soul, and spirit!)

L’Shanah Tova!

 

Breath

Sitting on the earth in a circle of musicians

Mountains of colored clay crumble into sand

I am holding and playing my clay ocarina

And the melody is mournful and familiar

Woman of clay and earth, creased and crumbling

A willing compnion until the end of days

Another is remarking that my clay ocarina must feel honored

It’s been sitting on the altar all these years

by, Yiskah Koock

Walk the walk

Unsteady

Been a tough weekend for mobility, but inspiriting!! Bernie Sanders stumped for Zephyr Teachout (running for the 19th congressional district.) At a local park in my town. I stood on the grass on this lovely late summer day,in the strong sun. After these 2 motivating progressive activist’s speeches, I realized walking would be a struggle, and it was, every step. My groovy leg brace, and olive wood walking stick, are little help in the face of body fatigue!

A day later, I sat on the grass again, in the strong sun, to watch my little boy’s first soccer game. Coaching myself: legs, engage, muscles, hold the body up, walk forward, take another step. “I think I can, I think I can…”

The question of “what is my life’s walk,” Comes to mind. Or more importantly, “how can I be of service in the world?” or as Jewish sages call it, Tikkun, or repair of the world. In the wise words of, Howard Thurman,

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Answer: do what you love! So I am facilitating a dream group at the Center for Symbolic Studies, a new venue for me to host at, but I’ve been coming to the dream group at CSS, under the masterful tutelage of Stephen and Robin Larsen for 19 years! (Since I moved to the Mid-Hudson Valley.) Substitute facilitating when so honored.

Steve certified me to be a dream group facilitator 6 years in, of a direct lineage of teacher to student to Carl G. Jung, whose picture adorns his office, I have also had the great, good fortune of learning with, and being certified by master teacher and minister, Jeremy Taylor, of MIPD, and dream shaman, “the maestro”, Robert Moss.

And a further report on these symptoms caused by MS, the pain level in my right shoulder is high! wow- an electric pulse coursing through me, my right side of my jaw has joined the fray- maybe the Medical Marijuana takes the edge off? (see previous blog post: Medical Marijuana Today, I went for my first session of Qi Gong with a phenomenal woman, Helen B., who is offering this ancient knowledge as her service in the world

A little later in the season with the changing leaves in this pic.

. Though my body is limited in the motions it can make to gather the energy, let this serve as a baseline from which to only improve, and may this martial art bring renewal in mind, body, breath!.

Here is the event invite for the next dream-sharing circle I’m hosting: https://www.facebook.com/events/210249016059245/
If you find yourself in New Paltz, (which I highly recommend), Come do dream work with us!

G-dful

September sky is blue and clear. Autumn changes: the topmost leaves in our tree, Abundance Chai, are lightening/yellowing, littering the earth with golden, sun-light.

On this day- Receive the G-d presence on the right side of the heart. An audible gurgling, a breaking through a clog. And an emptiness, an aching. Thinking it Connects body to the spirit I have encountered through sight-the sun!- through sound- the bat Kol- through smell- L’airdetent.

So, my question is what one makes of the fact that our planet is hurtling, spinning, circling through space, around a star that is moving also, contrary to what I was taught in school, nothing is fixed/static. And as the child observes, the sun and the stars are one and the same.

Yesterday, limping along, weak and body fatigued from the MS (an active weekend takes it’s toll!) I said to my housemate, “well, I’m still standing!” And he laughed, and shared the quote, “Any day above ground is a good day.”
Weekend infused with spirit! Native American celebration and sweat lodge. Matoquiocin, to all my relations. Then Jewish Renewal gathering in the woods- again, my chevre!

All people, connected by love and kindness, and spirit! It is Elul- hear the clarion call of the shofar.  The time of T’shuva, reflection, returning… As we ready ourselves for the Jewish New Year!

Return again, return again, return to the light of your soul.
Return to who you are, return to what you are, return from where you are…born and reborn again.

A sturdy arm and a steadfast spirit. The chief supports you. The chief nourishes you, cooks for the tribe. The Rebbe teaches you, touches you, learns from you. The rabbi sings to you, inspires you. The child needs you, individuates from you, hugs you, ignores you. And you just keep on keeping on.

I got stuck conceptualizing what G-d is. An old man on a throne, an energy, the great No Thing (the Ain Sof). So I go back to chanting. Sheviti SHekina l’negdi tamid. (I place G-d before me always.) I feel one should be G-ful as well as mindful! ❤

Living in it

Low flying crow over my Southbound car.

Graying  praying mantis steps across the threshold of my front door As I open it from inside.

We find a perfect wild turkey feather just before the season opens,

and a tiny Tall magenta mushroom living under a wet fallen leaf. these are the days for bluejays in the compost pile, quick moving

clouds in the wind, and a half moon visible in the noontime sky it’s shadow autumn clarity. slow reaching sun chiding squirrels in transitioning trees we’re noticing the earlier evenings and we continue.

 

Medical Marijuana

Oh, how I long to be a cannabis oil success story. I have my card! But, the medicine is very expensive. I have budgeted for my healing, and am trying to find the combination of healing products that will help me. In NYS, the 23rd state in the union to legalize medical marijuana, the program is very restrictive on the ailments that can obtain medical marijuana at the dispensaries. Similarly, the way to imbibe the products, as well as what is offered is limited.

There are 3 levels of THC to CBD oil concentrations. The high THC one is called Forte- it’s very nice, helps alleviate pain! The equal parts THC and CBD is called Balance. It is very good at releaving  stiffness and spasms in my calves. the low THC to CBD is called Dolce. (I’ve not tried this one- but I do find it interesting that in order for the CBD oil to be effective, the product does need to have some THC in it!) That is like the “whole plant” advocates, who feel the medicinal qualities of cannabis are best experienced through having all of the elements of the plant involved.

I would have gone to the dispensary today, but my son really didn’t want to, and short of bribing him with an ice cream, I decided I’d go this weekend, when he is out of town w/ his dad/ my estranged husband. In the last blog, that I reposted, I was grateful for partnership. But here I am, single parenting, because life is not a fairy tale. Our little boy is starting a new path this school year, at public school.

I am a Waldorf Early childhood educator. I did my training as a young woman in my early twenties. I also taught for 13 years- until the MS made it too difficult to meet the children’s needs. This is a big change for both of us, My older son had 3 more years of Waldorf, before he too transferred into public school. The transition from Waldorf early childhood (N & K), to public school first grade may be extreme. Not bad, nor too challenging, just ahead in academics (before, he got none.) I am so grateful for what he did gain! A freer childhood, with outdoor play, crafts, rhythm, and community as focus. But he is learning to read at home. Only yesterday, as we were driving in a much less liberal town than the one we hail from, he read his first sign! He said, “Mama, that says Trump!” Can never forget the election of 2016!

On that adventure, we swam in salt water in the rain! As above,so below. And today, it is so crisp out, that one can feel this other transition, heralding in new. And though the humidity is much less, and the temperature has gotten much cooler, my hampered walking/mobility/ equilibrium/shooting shoulder pain dis-ability might be worse? (or the same, which could have still had improvement.) Here is what’s happening- my right foot is dragging. Where as before I felt that wearing a foot brace was re-training my leg how to walk again- from body memory and the assistance, now I feel I need to be wearing it all the time. Which is good, because it is helping, but I certainly don’t want to become reliant on it. This is a custom made brace, fitted to my leg’s specifications, exactly.

I have been practicing incorporating the pain of my shoulder, in my movements. I’m striving to integrate the  hot sensation (see previous blog post: ‘Ability’) I must say, that the sensation is at times, overwhelming! But again, I am grateful for the medical marijuana for alleviating some of the discomfort.

 

The Day the Yellow  Died

Something shifted in me

When I found the light body, of the Monarch butterfly

Lying perfect in the garden

I put it in a silk, beaded box

He found an empty chrysalis in the grass under the swing set

What are the chances they are from the same life?

I heard the call of the wild turkey

Or a hunter’s turkey call, more likely

Andfound the deer slain by the road

She had been eating our carrot tops

So from the near frozen ground

We pulled, and then cooked the sweet roots as a tribute

The yellow pony died of old age, she was 45

The Healing Path

Repost: Tumblr, Mindfulness MS

“It’s heroic, what you do,” he says as I am cooking turkey meat balls, from Jacks Meats and Swiss chard from the garden. It feels good to be seen by my partner, but tears through my denial. M.S. is a struggle.

Household tasks that might take anyone a short time, are monumental for me. Folding a shirt with only my left hand, cutting- moving the knife from one hand to the other- to see which one is more efficient.

17 years with this dis-ease, and I’m tired by the evening, so why do I sometimes push myself?) I have enough energy to make a meal, do bedtime with Lev, practice simple yoga and the exercises I learned inphysical therapy, and a second wind will allow me to enjoy time together with my husband. I see that Imust continue taking care of myself with the tools I have:

For best health, it seems I should do the M.S. diet as per Dr. Terry Wahls prescription for healing, and I will, soon… but there was a farm, community dinner last night. Mexican lasagna with tomatilla sauce(that me and the boys shucked and cut), home-made whipped cream on Hudson Valley grown freshbaked apples! Shall that be my last supper of eating wheat? Tomorrow give up dairy? I so try to stay away from dairy, also because I have a food allergy to it, and it brings me pain, and I get bloated. I have almond milk in my morning granola and coconut milk ice cream. But I have cow milk in my coffee (and coffee) daily. I think I’ll go back to raw milk, as the only other cream that mixes in well is camel milk, and I can’t afford those riches. Sugar is also a substance I’m advised to give up. But I’m a dip your toe in thewater and acclimate kind of person- so for now wheat and most dairy will have to do.

Diet and exercise go hand and hand. I’ve written in these blog posts about my commitment to working out my body at the gym. I also walk down to the stream regularly. Listening to the music of the wate watching Lev’s joy and ability, we marvel at the young tree that has pushed its way through the rock, alongside the path. I wonder at what is the splitting point.

Tonight begins my mother’s 18th  yartzeit (anniversary of death). I’ve been given the directive to reflect on which ways her vibrant self fills me.

How do I remember thee, mommy?

Beauty, first and foremost on the outside, and in. A love of writing poetry. A great mom (a lofty but well deserved accolade), quick to laughter, a beautiful smile that lights others up. A warm heart…

Rudolf Steiner indicates that when a person crosses the threshold of death, they must shed all of their earthly talents and gifts. We who are open to receive, make a good target.

I stand under Abundance maple tree as the leaves rain down in the autumn wind. An old Jewish teaching says that G-d’s finger guides the path of every falling leaf. What this teaches is, such is the way for every human being. Take Heart! We are not in this alone, we are accompanied, and our lives are a living conversation with a responsive universe!

It is windy. Branches are falling. Birds are calling out. Trucks are roaring up the road. Katy is purring. And, as I said, I am tired, but I’ve done errands in town, brought in firewood, harvested in the garden, prepared dinner, and even made time to write! I look forward to snuggling up to my nighttime dreams.

(I’ll explore the importance to dream work to me more fully in future posts), Lila Tov.

Autumn poet-tree:

 

Just Caterpillar

Forget about the one-day transformation

The ability for emergence in flight

The nectar eating, egg laying, flutter-breezing freedom!

You, in all your fuzzy potential

With nowhere to go

Crunching leaves, and crawling belly-down

Are just caterpillar

by, Yiskah Koock

 

 

Water, earth, wind, fire

Repost from tumblr: Mindfulness MS

The heavenly blue morning glories that graced our garden for so long; blossoms big as the child’s hand at their peak, have died with the first frost, leaving but a brown, tangly reminder.

In 1995, 25 years old, and though long realized (9 years of remissions and recurrences), the grief I experienced when my mother died was overwhelming, more than I could handle- though handle it I did, and thus started my MS journey. Grief was my trigger for an illness I was hereditarily and karmically destined for

I’ve been engaging in dream work- keeping a dream journal since I was in my late teens, and exploring dreams in groups since I was in my mid-twenties. I don’t always remember my dreams because I have a three and a half year old who wakes up with me, but also because I enjoy ‘medical marijuana’ which I feel is unparalled for stiffness and tremors, and helpful with pain. But the jury’s still out on how good it is for balance, and not so good for memory.

So, these days dreams are a real treat to me, and instruct me loudly. Torsos have made an appearance lately. It’s changed the way I walk, my posture maybe, and my awareness of my body. As I’ve written, I work out thrice weekly at the gym. I’ve been doing this for a year and a half. It is an activity I enjoy but falls short in replacing hiking. It is from strengthening my core that I know I can hold up my body. Wobbly as my legs may be, trees teach that a strong center can weather any storm.

My other healing modalities of late are Water! Lately, my fluid intake is minimal- two even one glass of water each day. But every health advisor- either in person or by the written word- advocates for drinking more, more, more! 8 glasses a day. So, I have very recently started trying to do just this. (Excuse me while I take this opportunity to hydrate.) I look forward to seeing if this is helpful and healing.

These days, mantra brings me closer to the Divine. Chanting keeps me present in the moment. I’ve been saying/singing, “Manorah ha makom ha zeh…” in Shefa Gold’s melody. These are the words Jacob speaks on the night he wrestles with the angel. “G-d was in this place and I did not know it.” Transpose ‘G-d’ to any life giving, awe-inspiring affirmation. I did not open myself up to the divine guidance in this moment.

And the other thing on my mind a lot of late is the beginning of the fire building season, I’m anticipating getting splinters in my hands from the wood stove all winter long! I’ve heated with wood for over 20 years now (from the wilds of New Mexico, the mountains of Colorado, Lake country in N.J, bear country in Mass., and now (home for 16 years, the Mid-Hudson Valley of New York State.) Fire warms, soothes, occasionally gives messages (see previous post), and is so very messy! The autumn wind keeps blowing the doors open and the sun is streaming in the kitchen windows. As a younger woman, I learned that life is like a river. Your past is that which flows away from you, your future is that which flows towards you, and you are standing in the water.

And so I walk to the stream on the side of our house. It is my physical therapy. Drop foot, walking stick, and balance issues aside, I am setting myself the goal of walking in an M.S. walk on May 4, 2014. By that time, in my sterling imagination, I should be capable, competent, healed of all mobility issues and this illness that manages to challenge me immensely. The terrain is uneven, rocky. The fallen leaves have make it slippery and slick, but the water is cool, flowing from yesterday’s rains, and musical, and here stand I. HiNeni

 

Twilight

The sun crosses the sky, earth rolls away from the sun

Like tulips openning and closing in day and dark

I open and close

Because she is so impersonal, ama d’a alah, the Great Mother

Through her fire, she renews the garment world each night

I breathe in, she breathes out

Grasping the copper vessel from my hands

Like a shadow-fox

Slipping between sound, and the smell of spilt ceremony tea

She is the Queen in the field, lighting the altar candle

A yellow warbler flies in the temple window

A stone heart lays hidden in the soft moss

Growing stars, and florets, and clover

The blue- expansive sky

The illuminating, deeply familiar dream of the black spider

In this place, in a velvet chair, in her infernal grace

The wakeful world has presence

I sit in her door way, the mouth covered with leaves

Trees in the wind creak- like an openning door

by, Yiskah Koock