Mid-life, Immortality and Dancing

Well, February is here and passing all too quickly.  I am turning 40 on the 27th this year.  Although I have often admired women who wear their hair as a mane of silver, and the confidence these “older” women exude, I am having difficulty seeing myself in this age bracket.  I still feel like a youthful person- still waiting to feel all “grown-up”, which I know is more a state-of-mind than a particular age.

I think the fact that I just had a new baby 4 weeks ago may currently have something to do with that.  When I had my first son, I was in my twenties.  I am so grateful to be able to revisit this precious time again in my life- but I realize that in order to be here while my sons grow-up, potentially find their true loves, and maybe even have children of their own– I will now need to live forever.  Of course, I am joking about that statement- but mortality has been weighing heavily on me.  This certainly has to do with my beloved mother who died when she was only 50- and more relevantly, was diagnosed with the breast cancer that would ultimately claim her life at the age of 41.

I do realize that 40 is mid-life (if one be so blessed as to live until the ripe old age of 80).  I would love to have 40 more years (or more)!  This time, I pledge to be more awake- more present- appreciative of every moment.  Talking with my husband about our yet to be created will, we came to the deep understanding that the key to immortality is indeed presence!  And we have the pure gift that will enable this remarkable choice in living one’s life—a new baby in the home.

He is quite placid and angelic- but does have his fussy periods and I am covered in spit-up regularly and pee often! When such moments of baby discontent arise, Lance puts on soul music or reggae on the stereo, picks up little Lev, and dances!  Having been a single parent the first time around, nothing makes me as joyful as watching these guys groove.  Sometimes, 12 year-old Phaelan takes the baby and joins in the dancing fray, and I dance too- with the man of my dreams who has given me the gift of love and support and companionship. So my goal remains the same- to strive for presence every moment with all of my guys!  The littlest one is enabling me to appreciate the tween years more than before, and to express the gratitude that I so often feel.

So, how to celebrate this next birthday, this new decade for me…  I am having a very small dessert party on the 27^th– complete with cake, cookies, ice cream, wine, coffee, tea , friends with whom I celebrated my 30^th birthday at a Salsa club (!) and of course— music and dancing!  Cheers!