Life’s Living Conversation

Riding my mobility scooter up the paved path, along the Ashokan Reservoir. Gorgeous here in the Mid Hudson Valley, with the Catskill Mountains encircling this body of water.  So many monarch butterflies fluttering in the breeze, over the water. Knowing that this is a nesting place for bald eagles, I am hoping to see a bald eagle, the totem animal that has meant the most to me in my dream life, and in my waking world. But not wanting to exercise expectation. And he comes. An adolescent, gracing my eyes and the skies with his presence. It is Yom Kippur, a fast day, the day of atonement, where we pray to be forgiven, to forgive, to forgive oneself which for me this year has been Paramount, and to be sealed in the “Book of Life.”

I lost my dog last Saturday, on Shabbes Tshuva. The holy Sabbath of our return to our essence, to the G-d presence.  Return again, return again, return to the light of your soul. So hard to let go of a beloved friend after 13 years. So loyal and protective, so smart and loving! I felt him slip away into the universe. From almost no determinable breath but still warm, to losing the warmth of life, and becoming cool to the touch. What an honor and a blessing to be able to have my hands on his body, in his fur, as he crossed the threshold.

So my grief has been deep, I am grateful for our new kittens in our lives who are helping me heal.

And yesterday was the autumnal equinox. Striving for balance. Reaffirming myself to the work I have yet to complete in this lifetime. No more fog of sadness and disability. Time to rally, time to write, time to work.

Although I always try to stay positive and optimistic, there are times that life is hard and unforgiving, and I forgive myself for feeling the strain of living. Remembering life is a great gift! And our challenges are chosen by us to overcome in this school called earth.

I converse with nature, as I have often said, life is a living conversation with a responsive universe!

Butterflies for transformation, as the Choctaw tradition teaches. They seem so delicate, but are strong enough to fly to Mexico from the US! I can learn so much from the butterfly!

No longer Just Caterpillar. She has blossomed from her Chrysalis.  Have I? I feel a transformation. Where once I was just Catapillar, and wrote a poem about it.  

Just Caterpillar

Forget about the one day transformation

The ability for emergence in flight

The nectar drinking, egg laying, flutter breezing freedom

You, in all your fuzzy potential

With nowhere to go

Crunching leaves, and crawling belly down

Are just Caterpillar

 

Now spread your wings and trust that the breeze will carry you in the right direction, where you need to go. Trust that even in your delicateness, you are sturdy enough to embark on this journey! That is a renewed faith. Always praying for healing for self and others, trusting the unfolding, and now recognizing that only I can do my work. Only you can do your work. Nobody is going to do it for me or you. As Rabbi Tarfon in the fourth century said, “The work is not for you to finish, but neither are you exempt from trying”.

And here is a great work that has been all encompassing in my life, as you may know, I have been struggling with multiple sclerosis for 22 years. My prayer is to heal completely, and my faith is strong! I am on a new medication called Ocrevice. It is an infusion that has potential to not only halt disease progression but possibly to alleviate symptoms as well. But my great hope of course is to reclaim lost functioning and I think through stem cell treatment that will be possible, but it  is a relatively new medical technology, and remains to be seen. Recently somebody asked me, if you stayed just where you are In your disability without further disease progression, could you live with that?

So it is making me take stock in where I am today. My walking is hampered. I often drag my right foot behind me because it is difficult to lift at the right knee, and also I have drop foot.  My equilibrium is off kilter. My right hand is quite compromised. But perhaps if it didn’t progress any further than this, I could live this way.., Though it would take greater acceptance of my handicap for me . So the answer to that question is yes, that would be a great blessing. Still I hold my deeper hope that I can hike again! Hiking for me was time to cry out to God, Hitbodedut, A term coined by Rabbi Nachman, the great grandson of the Bal Shem Tov, The founder of Chassidut. Hiking is my time to write poetry, and repeat it line for line as in the rhythm of my walking so that I remember the poem enabling me to recall it later as I transcribe it into the written word, and to share it as spoken word poetry. Taking stock in my work that I have yet to embark on. Glad to be writing, as always. Hope to go to open mic nights as I had done 25 years ago. And going to share ideas in a spoken forum in a new podcast called The Stream, with Dr. Carla Mazzeo. Stay tuned. Many good things to come. Now what will you do to further your journey? I look very forward to seeing!

Breath

This MS pain is great I’m not complaining I’m just explaining. So great it can stop me in my tracks. At first I Bear Down grit my teeth and soldier my way through,  next I take it as a road sign to think about G-d to pray, to chant to/about the Shekkina.

Shiviti Shekkina l’negdi Tamid (I place the nurturing presence of G-d before me always!

Then I try to move it move it, move my arm, move my shoulder around, alleviate the pain. I try medical marijuana to dull the pain. I cry out to G-d in the heights of those moments- but weather the storm. Now the pain has moved from my shoulder and as I expressed in last post it’s also in my jaw and also on the right side of my heart chakra, and it seems to be traveling down my right arm…

And incredibly, the tool I’ve/we’ve been taught for many years: breathing deeply, taking deep breaths- in through the nose,  is what alleviates the pain and directly! Awesome that an action running through the body is what can sooth the symptoms from an auto immune disease. The body can heal as well as defy itself!

Reminding me that the healing remedy often time grows alongside the plant that causes discomfort. Next to poison ivy grows jewel weed! And plaintain in the clover fields alleviates the bees stings who are attracted to the clover flowers.

Yes, this is an intelligent universe!

The olfactory sense is what connects us straight to the soul, so the Jewish sages teach. And just as G-d formed the body out of clay, and breathed in through the nostrils the holy breath of life! The breath of G-d, our healing lives here-in!

Now we find ourselves in the Days of Awe, between the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana, and the day of atonement, Yom Kippor. This is the time for T’shuvah, T’fillah, and Tzedaka. Returning- to your soul, to your path, to yourself, to G-d. Prayer- crying out to the divine, and coming to reconciliation with others on the earth, and the earth herself. And charity- giving with a full heart.

We had an opportunity to cast our past year’s transgressions into flowing water to have it’s own mikvah of purification. Into the mayim chayim, the living waters during the Tashlique service.

When the prophet Isaiah instructs the people to atone for their sins, he says, seek G-d when G-d is close! And G-d is especially close on these 10 Days of Awe. So, my petition is thus, just as Moses cried out to G-d to heal his sister Miriam when she was struck ill, I too cry out for healing- for myself, for my loved ones, and for all who seek healing. Most of all, healing for the Earth, herself!

Ana Elna R’fanala~ R’fuah sh’layma!! (Body, soul, and spirit!)

L’Shanah Tova!

 

Breath

Sitting on the earth in a circle of musicians

Mountains of colored clay crumble into sand

I am holding and playing my clay ocarina

And the melody is mournful and familiar

Woman of clay and earth, creased and crumbling

A willing compnion until the end of days

Another is remarking that my clay ocarina must feel honored

It’s been sitting on the altar all these years

by, Yiskah Koock

Walk the walk

Unsteady

Been a tough weekend for mobility, but inspiriting!! Bernie Sanders stumped for Zephyr Teachout (running for the 19th congressional district.) At a local park in my town. I stood on the grass on this lovely late summer day,in the strong sun. After these 2 motivating progressive activist’s speeches, I realized walking would be a struggle, and it was, every step. My groovy leg brace, and olive wood walking stick, are little help in the face of body fatigue!

A day later, I sat on the grass again, in the strong sun, to watch my little boy’s first soccer game. Coaching myself: legs, engage, muscles, hold the body up, walk forward, take another step. “I think I can, I think I can…”

The question of “what is my life’s walk,” Comes to mind. Or more importantly, “how can I be of service in the world?” or as Jewish sages call it, Tikkun, or repair of the world. In the wise words of, Howard Thurman,

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Answer: do what you love! So I am facilitating a dream group at the Center for Symbolic Studies, a new venue for me to host at, but I’ve been coming to the dream group at CSS, under the masterful tutelage of Stephen and Robin Larsen for 19 years! (Since I moved to the Mid-Hudson Valley.) Substitute facilitating when so honored.

Steve certified me to be a dream group facilitator 6 years in, of a direct lineage of teacher to student to Carl G. Jung, whose picture adorns his office, I have also had the great, good fortune of learning with, and being certified by master teacher and minister, Jeremy Taylor, of MIPD, and dream shaman, “the maestro”, Robert Moss.

And a further report on these symptoms caused by MS, the pain level in my right shoulder is high! wow- an electric pulse coursing through me, my right side of my jaw has joined the fray- maybe the Medical Marijuana takes the edge off? (see previous blog post: Medical Marijuana Today, I went for my first session of Qi Gong with a phenomenal woman, Helen B., who is offering this ancient knowledge as her service in the world

A little later in the season with the changing leaves in this pic.

. Though my body is limited in the motions it can make to gather the energy, let this serve as a baseline from which to only improve, and may this martial art bring renewal in mind, body, breath!.

Here is the event invite for the next dream-sharing circle I’m hosting: https://www.facebook.com/events/210249016059245/
If you find yourself in New Paltz, (which I highly recommend), Come do dream work with us!

Medical Marijuana

Oh, how I long to be a cannabis oil success story. I have my card! But, the medicine is very expensive. I have budgeted for my healing, and am trying to find the combination of healing products that will help me. In NYS, the 23rd state in the union to legalize medical marijuana, the program is very restrictive on the ailments that can obtain medical marijuana at the dispensaries. Similarly, the way to imbibe the products, as well as what is offered is limited.

There are 3 levels of THC to CBD oil concentrations. The high THC one is called Forte- it’s very nice, helps alleviate pain! The equal parts THC and CBD is called Balance. It is very good at releaving  stiffness and spasms in my calves. the low THC to CBD is called Dolce. (I’ve not tried this one- but I do find it interesting that in order for the CBD oil to be effective, the product does need to have some THC in it!) That is like the “whole plant” advocates, who feel the medicinal qualities of cannabis are best experienced through having all of the elements of the plant involved.

I would have gone to the dispensary today, but my son really didn’t want to, and short of bribing him with an ice cream, I decided I’d go this weekend, when he is out of town w/ his dad/ my estranged husband. In the last blog, that I reposted, I was grateful for partnership. But here I am, single parenting, because life is not a fairy tale. Our little boy is starting a new path this school year, at public school.

I am a Waldorf Early childhood educator. I did my training as a young woman in my early twenties. I also taught for 13 years- until the MS made it too difficult to meet the children’s needs. This is a big change for both of us, My older son had 3 more years of Waldorf, before he too transferred into public school. The transition from Waldorf early childhood (N & K), to public school first grade may be extreme. Not bad, nor too challenging, just ahead in academics (before, he got none.) I am so grateful for what he did gain! A freer childhood, with outdoor play, crafts, rhythm, and community as focus. But he is learning to read at home. Only yesterday, as we were driving in a much less liberal town than the one we hail from, he read his first sign! He said, “Mama, that says Trump!” Can never forget the election of 2016!

On that adventure, we swam in salt water in the rain! As above,so below. And today, it is so crisp out, that one can feel this other transition, heralding in new. And though the humidity is much less, and the temperature has gotten much cooler, my hampered walking/mobility/ equilibrium/shooting shoulder pain dis-ability might be worse? (or the same, which could have still had improvement.) Here is what’s happening- my right foot is dragging. Where as before I felt that wearing a foot brace was re-training my leg how to walk again- from body memory and the assistance, now I feel I need to be wearing it all the time. Which is good, because it is helping, but I certainly don’t want to become reliant on it. This is a custom made brace, fitted to my leg’s specifications, exactly.

I have been practicing incorporating the pain of my shoulder, in my movements. I’m striving to integrate the  hot sensation (see previous blog post: ‘Ability’) I must say, that the sensation is at times, overwhelming! But again, I am grateful for the medical marijuana for alleviating some of the discomfort.

 

The Day the Yellow  Died

Something shifted in me

When I found the light body, of the Monarch butterfly

Lying perfect in the garden

I put it in a silk, beaded box

He found an empty chrysalis in the grass under the swing set

What are the chances they are from the same life?

I heard the call of the wild turkey

Or a hunter’s turkey call, more likely

Andfound the deer slain by the road

She had been eating our carrot tops

So from the near frozen ground

We pulled, and then cooked the sweet roots as a tribute

The yellow pony died of old age, she was 45

Ability

MF MS 10

It starts like an electric shock boring into my right shoulder, like a bolt of lightning! The pain is intense, electrifying! And then it passes, washing over me like a hot rushing wave. Like a chilling release. I bear it bare it, grit my teeth, brace myself. Or I rub my right shoulder vigorously, and thanks to my dear friend / spiritual advisor,  I know to move my arm more, move my body, be as water.

Now it’s the time of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio. I haven’t been watching it, but when I do see a news brief, or a link to an article on the phone , I really want to pause and look at, and honor the strength of the athletes, the balance, grace, and grit, of those  who are competing. The Best of the Best. Ability, not dis-abled (very disempowering word.) I think maybe I should pay more attention to the Special Olympics, and not allow, “I can’t” in the door. I think I can, I think I can. Whenever I’m at the gym on the elliptical and see the Olympics on the TV before me (or any sports, for that matter) , I feel re-ignited to push myself more, because I must!

MS (emmes) means truth in Hebrew. I limp down the hall, lose my balance, drop glasses, and I can no longer type or write, eat or cut with my once dominant right hand. So I really feel the MS has evolved from RR MS, Relapsing Remitting, to Secondary Progressive MS. Whereas, I used to have such severe symptoms such as optic neuritis, seeing through an icy veil, losing the hearing in my right ear, losing the feeling in my hands and feet and torso, as well as other skin stuff -tingling and the’ phantom itch traveling around my arms, hands, collar bone, and back, the side of my face palseying, holding a grimace, to dizzying vertigo when I move my head too quickly, and the debilitating fatigue that sometimes accompanies me. Each of these symptoms would last six to eight weeks, and then mostly abate. It was a really hard road to travel, those first 15 years.. But now, I don’t seem to get those exacerbations, thank goodness, though my walking is compromised. I walk with a wooden walking stick, a ‘staff’, as it has been named, or a purple aluminum cane. And now, I wear my groovy new custom made, foot and ankle brace. Made to my body’s very specifications!

Oh, but did I used to walk! I was a hiker! I’ve hiked in the Wilds of the Colorado Rocky Mountains, California forests, and by the seas- both Pacific and Atlantic. New England forests, New Mexico mountains, the Hudson Valley woodlands, many many many walks. It was on these  hikes that I would write, speak, and memorize poetry. That was my time to cleave to the divine- devetkut hashem. Cry out to God, converse with the universe- so, God time, creativity time, physical activity time, inspiration time. I was once called, “Pride Walker”, by a master of movement and drama. Now that is a name I am glad to be called!

My neurologist will not change my MS designation from RRMS to Secondary Progressive MS. This is likely because the health insurance companies will refuse to pay for the medications with that title of disease. So tell me, what is a person with secondary progressive MS supposed to do then?
Again, left to the universe , I need to ask myself, is my faith so strong that I truly know that God will heal me? Or rather, through my body, G-d can shine G-d’s healing light. Send your emissaries, Most High one- mayachorai Raphael! I’ve put the healing Hebrew words to a lovely Lakota melody:  Ana Elna R’fanala- rfua  sh’layma. (a complete and total healing- body, soul, and spirit.

I’ve felt that these past twenty years of illness, and from earliest sensation and memory , of the body’s indelible art of being an instruments of the divine, and I also know that I need to take an active role in my own healing. so I work out at the gym, and I try to eat well, though I’m not on any particular diet: raw, vegetarian, gluten free, dairy free or otherwise. And I know, that my body has the innate ability to heal itself from any imbalance. So now, I’m doing the ondamed machine, ever grateful to the healers who are offering this to me. Ondamed. Is a biofeedback machine that tansmits electro-magnetic energy to my body, in the hopes that that will trigger such a reaction in myself that will bring about healing!

Here I am, ‘Hineni’, still hopeful, still believing, but I’m not really waiting- I’m just living, and sometimes I’m damned frustrated- . Still I’m smiling. As I sometimes say, I’m grateful even for the challenges. Every morning, when we thank G-d for restoring our soul to our body, we say, “abundant is your faithfulness.” “Raba Emunahtecha!” If G-d has faith in me, then shouldn’t I have faith in my body’s ability to heal!

 

Thank the Path

Hiking the back woods, an odd thing happened.I realized, that though I’ve walked these paths a thousand times before-Nothing looked familiar, and though I knew where I must be, I had no idea where I was.Maybe I was seeing with new eyes, as was suggested, but I think that everything- bush, tree, flower, stone, was not the same as it had ever been before! All was changed, an is continuously changing- as am I, as are you! This is not the same rose your father gave you at graduation, or that you carried down the aisle in your sister’s wedding, or that blossomed on the bedside, filling the room with its essence, the morning you mother passed away.

This rose presents itself to you! Touch its gentle petals, breathe deeply its life scent, see this loiving being burning in its divinity! I thank G-d, who illuminates my path. Those who hold me up along the sometimes overgrown and convoluted way. And the very path itself! The decomposing leaves pressed in mud, the bright orange eft scurrying away from dtopping acorns, the tiny spotted toad leaping onto my hand, and off again. The mushrooms that open as flowers, and the flowers that turn to sticky burrs. All this is new, and now, and me- honored here.

by, Yiskah Koock